REAR-ENDED

It has been suggested I raise my blogs to a more intellectually acceptable level. Sadly I am not sure I can. Where I used to think I was pretty smart based on my ability to pass exams well enough, drive better than everyone else, play bridge better than anyone else, judge and formulate international foreign and economic policies better than anyone else, judge people's characters without even meeting them better than anyone else and run businesses and government departments better than anyone else, now I am not so certain. There are times I sit amongst people that are surely no smarter than I am, and yet they, unlike me, actually have jobs - they each do a job of work worth money. And because they are out there doing these jobs, speaking with adults and circulating in a community outside of school and recreation, they manage to keep vaguely up to date with current affairs, international politics, important local issues and business trends. So while they talk across me and over my head, I pick at my hangnails, wonder when I last had a haircut, think about how many calories there are in 3 medium ice-cream sundaes and whether or not making tricky decisions at the bridge table for 3 hours burns off more of them than sitting on my ass watching 3 recorded episodes of Ugly Betty.
Raise my blog to a more intellectual level? Yes. I should probably move on from the subject of flatulence, I admit, although flatulence is funny. Even the word "flatulence" sounds a bit like a fart, but a nasty one followed by a sprint to the bathroom. See? There I go again ... I am sorry, but I doubt I am capable of anything loftier.

I have also realized that I will never find time to blog every day. So I shall sit down when I can, write my thoughts and endeavour to steer them in a more mature direction.

Worst things recently

Orphans

I waved them off again this a.m., spinning down the volume on my radio (it seemed decadent to be listening to loud music with someone begging for food or money inches away) and hiding the piece of toast I was munching on below my seat. It stuck in my craw. But what to do? I realize they are not necessarily all actual orphans, but that doesn't change the fact that they are seriously underprivileged. Handing coins out the window every single day at every single traffic light is madness. I did that at first, but found the crowd of "orphans" grew and grew. The more you pay, the more of them there are to pay and when there are no coins there is a desperate banging on the window as they crowd the car risking their safety and disturbing the traffic. So that is not the answer.

But how big do you have to go to make a difference - what kind of contribution will really HELP? Do you volunteer at orphanages? Do you feed people at shelters? Donate? Educate? Facilitate? Probably. But even that is small potatoes. It doesn't solve anything in the long run. There are people going bigger. This country is full of international agencies and companies working on aid, development and education programmes to try to improve the average lot in life here, but even though they may be making a dent, they'll never be able to do enough. No matter how BIG you go (from coins out the window to billion $ aid packages), it seems those orphans will be there anyway, every day, banging on windows and crying they're hungry. They will disappear when Africa is not dependent on the charity of others, when it is free from poor government, war, corruption, exploitation, AIDS, poverty, illiteracy etc. So in other words never. How depressing.

So I do continue to shell out coins and food to the needy, but not to this lot at the traffic lights outside my house. They have a good, lucrative spot, I think. They don't do too badly. I shell out randomly where there is less chance I will be doggedly pursued by swarms of orphans, beggars and cripples who see me as a regular cash dispenser, the way I was here for a time.

Best things recently

Holger found kitty litter at Game, here in Maputo! So we don't have to drive to another country just to buy some, thank God. In light of the absence or shortage of litty litter I have considered toilet training the cats .... like this guy ...

http://www.projo.com/cgi-bin/include.pl/blogs/shenews/archives/weekninetyfive.htm#mingcat

AND! While looking for cat-toilet training tips, I found THIS! ... A Cat Litter Cake. OMG. I have to try it.

Here is the recipe:-

(from www.spousebuzz.com/.../12/kitty-litter--1.html)

1 cup crushed Oreos
1 cup powdered sugar
1/4 cup Peppermint Schnapps
1 1/2 tsp honey or corn syrup
Grape Nuts Cereal
1) Mix Oreos, sugar, Schnapps, and honey together. Let sit about ten minutes. If still too sticky to work with, add a teaspoon or so of sugar.
2) coat hands with butter spray and fashion balls (traditional) or fake poops out of the mixture.
3) spread grape nuts on a pan in a very shallow layer.
4) lay freshly made "poops" on the bed of Grape Nuts while still sticky.
5) Allow to dry overnight before serving.

... peppermint scnhapps, corn syrup, Grape Nuts, Oreos ... in Maputo! You never know. Where there is Kitty Litter there could be Grape Nuts. Hard to differentiate one from the other actually.

HOW IS IT I HAVE GONE FROM FLATULENCE TO CAT SHITE WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT, even when my intention was to steer well away from such topics?

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DANGEROUS WINDS

Instead of doing this I should probably be helping S with his Wind project. I actually know a fair deal about wind, types of wind, how it is formed, measuring wind and so forth. I am particularly familiar with SBD wind (I notice one of his topic titles is "Dangerous Winds") - Silent But Deadly wind, its effects and how to measure it.

It is formed by eating certain foods that include:-

- curry

- cabbage

- beans

- hippie food

It is widely accepted as the most noxious of all human gas emissions and the most effective for evacuating a room or building. Being trapped in a small, enclosed space when this type of wind occurs can be deadly and extreme caution is advised when getting into elevators with white people wearing tie-dyed or ethnic African clothes, bead or leather jewellery and hair in ponytails. Women in sandals and unshaved legs are particularly hazardous.

When SBD winds occur they usually blow for several hours and are occasionally accompanied by small "wet farts" and a burning sensation commonly know as "ring sting". These winds eventually die down after a dramatic bathroom event that may require the subsequent services of a plumber, a painter, a set of noseplugs, some diaper rash cream and a pack of Gravol.

This is a very dangerous wind.

Please make careful food choices.

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GIVING MYSELF A BAD NAME

I realize that the name "The X [Pat] Files" is not unique. I believe there is a column in some newspaper with a similar name but I decided to use it anyway because a) I feel more entitled on various grounds than that author could possibly be and b) I thought of it myself long before I knew it existed.

My grounds are that I have been an ex-pat for my entire adult life, the child of 2 ex-pats, the wife of an ex-pat who himself is the child of 2 ex-pats. Such a pure line of ex-patriotism produces children that are simply ex-hasperated, having no idea where they are from.

Furthermore (note to self: that's a good word, use it often), I was one of the relatively small audience that tuned in to the very first episode of The X Files all those years ago and watched him feverishly ... er ... I mean watched it faithfully throughout its run.

Those 2 facts are unrelated. But the resulting pun is relevant and explains and justifies my choice of blog name. The 3rd relevant factor is that I had no other good ideas and the 4th is that even the horrible ideas I had were taken (what is wrong with you people?!).

That brings me to my blogspot address. I am a bit embarrassed by it, I admit. It wasn't entirely clear to me, a newbie blogger, that that would be something everyone sees. And by "everyone" I mean the 2 people who have ever read even a part of my blog. I was hasty and now that I have such an embarrassingly juvenile address I'm not sure I even want to share this with anyone ...

What I learned today

* Cats are solar-powered

* Unexpectedly deadly farts are most likely to occur when 2 strangers occupy the same space alone together. I will say no more.

* The term "alone together" is a paradox.

* The word "paradox" is impressive to use in conversation should the opportunity arise. It seldom does.

Words I used today

* juncture
* exigences (alright I'm lying - I didn't use it but I heard and learned it)

Worst things about today

* An awkward moment alone with a stranger

* A cancelled trip

* A slight increase in the time and effort required to stretch out a newly laundered pair of jeans. Clearly the jeans were much more thoroughly laundered this time. I was forced to loosen a few stitches from the seams.

Best things about today

* I was very proud of S & D @ track & field day.

* We have more social engagements in the next 4 days than there are days available for social engagements. When did we become so popular? And why?!

* I saw an excellent cloud

IDOLATRY

So David Cook won American Idol. Yay, and I don't even know how many weeks behind real life we are so this is probably not news for anyone outside of Southern Africa. He was my second favourite but since they voted off the hot Australian along with all the other non-Americans really early, he became my fave.

But "DAVID COOK"? Dude! What kind of name is that for a pop idol (or "rock icon" - way cooler)? Dude's really going to have to think up something less ordinary ... something more artistic ... geez. He needs a new name. He sounds like someone who reads the news or writes a column in the Business Times. Oooo ... I know ... he could spell his name backwards: "David Kooc" (pronounced "cook"). Naaa. It sounds too similar.

Saw the bull-slash-cowdog again this a.m.. He/she was being walked by a fossil with legs equally bandy ... but I ain't got noooooo interest in the genitalia in that display cabinet, thank you.

I ate 3 more slices of banana cake. Gluttonous as that may sound, I think that if you eat enough banana cake it counts as a serving of fruit & vegetables.

I washed the dogs, which was disgusting as usual. Even when you use nice human shampoo, a newly washed dog still stinks like it's just scrambled out of the cattle dip tank. And I had to trim away those goopy, crusty globules of eye-juice which made me sick, especially when they stuck to the tub along with other dubious clumps of doggy debris after I let all the water out. Ag! The cats stood up on the side of the tub and watched the whole mess with great interest. I am certain they were sniggering and being smug in cat language watching those shivering, bedraggled creatures with their bulbous eyes and soggy forelocks flopping over their sorry faces.

But they got served later when they were chased mercilessly around the house by 2 proud, clean and veangeful dogs. I didn't stop them too much - when dogs are chasing cats as God and Cartoon Network intended, I am reassured there is order in the universe.

Worst thing about today

Mosquito bite on the sole of my foot. I'm not even sure it's a mosquito bite, because if it is, it was a mosquito with a mighty proboscis that can drill through foot skin. But it's itchy and the average scratch there just doesn't cut the mustard.

Best thing about today

The other guy - David Archuletta - sang "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me". I predicted that Paula would say something like "David, the sun is not going to go down on you - you are a star". After he finished, Paula said "David, the sun is not going to go down on you - you are a star".

I wet my freakin' pants. Wetting one's pants is a little uncomfortable, but a good belly laugh is worth it.

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A WELL-APPRECIATED ORDINARY DAY

Today was unremarkable.

I woke up, I drove the kids to school, I spotted a bulldog with no balls.

Honestly, I'm not sure if it actually was a bulldog with no balls or a female bulldog (think that's a cowdog) but certainly with those display-cabinet bow legs and nothing hanging between 'em - something didn't seem right.




I went to gym for just over an hour - did something in the region of 650 cal apparently - that was what I calculated to = approx. 2 slices of the banana bread I planned to bake and eat later + one third of of a medium chocolate bar).

Baked aforementioned banana cake.

Note to self:
Don't bother using mini loaf tins again for 4 reasons:
a) they are hard to grease.
b) you either have to have 2 sets or do 2 rounds of baking.
c) you will overfill them expecting to open the oven and see 4 perfect little risen loaves when what you will get is a mess of slop that overflows and burns itself all over the inside of your oven. d) they don't come out clean and you'll just have a big pile of large chunks of banana cake which you won't want to waste so you will eat most of them and then feel guilty because you've way overshot the precautionary 650 cal you did at gym. And there's still that chocolate bar.

Chatted on the phone (interrupted by damn baking timer going off every few minutes), argued with H, went shopping, got a headache, took a pill, took a nap, told a little lie, watched a TV show, fed the animals, made a spaghetti sauce and a casserole, took 3 bridge quizzes, went to school AGM, had one of my dinners, watched another show ...

Geez - is that really my life?! Ha ha!

Worst things about today

Felt extreme empathy for C who has recently had really horrible news. You know, if that is my life (above) and if it seems pathetic, I am still grateful for every ordinary, healthy moment - every moment not touched by tragedy or fear.

After that I really can't say anything else.

Best things about today

Every ordinary, healthy moment.

COMMUNICATIONS

I had to speak a lot of Portuguese today which was really hard for me. I must have sounded like a total arsehole ... and don't even start. Those of of you who are thinking Ag it's ok to sound like an arsehole when you're not speaking your own language - NEWSFLASH: You might feel it's ok and even be proud of doing it ... but you DO sound like an arsehole. I know because I judge foreigners speaking English poorly all the time. It's funny. They sound frikkin' funny sometimes. Right now I am wearing a nightie (nightgown? pyjamas, jim jams, jarmies, sleepwear - what exactly is it called once you're older than 8 and wearing something that isn't wedged in your crack or laced up and ready to be ripped off by a lover?). Anyway right now I am wearing something I plan to sleep in that I bought in Germany. It says on it "The sun is watching you / You can't watch at the sun" - FUNNY. It's funny because whoever wrote it thought they were being witty, but actually, thanks one of many tiny oddities in our language, they have ended up being appreciated only for their humorously poor grasp of the English language. It was funny enough to me anyway that I paid good money for this passion-killer and what's more have continued wearing it for the better part of 15 years.

I suddenly feel a little shabby.

Worst things to happen today

I played golf rather badly, but of course I shouldn't complain. Anyone who can play golf on a Tuesday morning, whether they play poorly or not, is in no position to be complaining

I had to have a long and awkward conversation with the gardener in Portuguese. I won't go into it but it was a downer and placed me in the middle of a moral dilemma.

I flossed my bottom back left molars too vigorously and hurt my gum.

Best things to happen today

I was waved down at school and required to engage in conversation with a lovely, well-groomed woman I do like very much. Unusually, I was not caught in scruffy sweats with dribbles of yoghurt down the front from eating breakfast in the car, and with overnight make-up smudges under my eyes (which usually remain until after gym each day when I shower) and bad breath. Yes, that was good. Lucky me.

D got her ISA test results and they were GREAT. Well beyond my expectations. Even Math wasn't awful. I swear that child has been shittin' me all this time (pardonez-moi). But she has.

I realized there are less than 300 calories in a Twix. And if only for that reason and the fact they have biscuit in them, I've decided to think of it as a cookie from now on. I may even throw Kit Kat into the cookie category.

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WHAT'S NEXT?

I won't vent. Much. There are many, many arseholes in this world (who make me want to vent angrily), and for every arsehole there's an ass and every ass is behind a ... well you get the idea. I'm just saying, there are bunches of derfwads in this world (and I don't exactly know what that is or how to spell it but I'm using that word to collectively describe all those body parts we personify and call each other when we're ticked off), but there are also lots of more lovely body parts making up the human species. I have decided that what I write here must help me gain a better perspective on the body of work that is Humanity and I hope that in gaining a less "crotchal" perspective (it's ok - I know that's not a word) I will see more more hearts, more hands, more brains and more funny bones in future. Fewer arseholes.

Worst thing that happened today:
Ag you know nothing much bad happened today. H took my car, which was frikkin' annoying only because I spent 20 minutes looking for my keys when I need only have looked out the door to see if my car was there.

Someone vomited a little bit on the stairs.

Hair was flat today. I didn't say it was your classic BAD hair day. It was just ... nyeaa ... flat.

Best thing that happened today:
I woke up without a headache and that hasn't happened for the last four days. (yeah!)

But even better - heard great things about D from teacher. Yay and frikkin yippee is all I can say! Nothing could make me happier right now so ... gaaaa, thinking back it WAS a bloody excellent day. (I know the "gaaaa" was lame, but it was what I heard myself saying - just can't spell it).

Oh and I pretended I hadn't seen the vomit on the stairs and after a while it ... disappeared! I'm thinking a) H dealt with it b) one of the empregadas dealt with it probably with a sour face c) one of the dogs ate it d) I wish I hadn't thought that because it just made me feel SICK.